Sometimes I feel so stifled by his actions.
Monetary issues were never really issues for me and I'm really thankful for that.
It's always... I like, I purchase/obtain in one way or another.
I'm not embarrassed to say that I've always been indulged in that manner and I'm perfectly happy being in this situation.
And I've always had things done my way. My parents are happy to indulge me as and when they deem fit.
I'm finding it real tough to accommodate to different ideas, a different lifestyle altogether.
Simply put, I'm not accustomed to not having things the way I want them to be.
There are times where I've wondered if we made the right decisions.
Maybe we're too different.
For better or worse, we've yet to see.

But I do know that he spouts off words that he doesn't mean when he's angry.
Still, it stifles me so much at that moment of time.
The different attitude, the harsh words... they hurt.
He just doesn't understand that I cannot live like that.
And I feel that I've put his needs above mine when I feel I can.

It was pretty much settled yesterday but I don't know why I'm feeling the aftermath of it only now.
The rejection. The sadness.

I don't know how long more I can go on like this.
Maybe these are the challenges that everyone has been talking about.
Or are these signs that I have been blatantly ignoring?
Only God knows.

Please show me guidance.
Things were so much simpler then.
Why didn't we see this coming?
Maybe we're too blinded by this thing called love.

I couldn't finish marking the books just now. I was simply too tired after marking 8 pages for each book. Multiply that by 40 books. That sums up to 360 pages. I had 4 more pages left for each book and my brain was screaming for some R&R. So I just had to stop marking lest I turn nauseous.
I have tons to do this weekend but as usual, I don't think I'll get them done except for the digirecords.
I'm mentally and physically drained. Weekends sure fly by super fast!
Thankfully, this coming week is a short one.
Yippee!

To celebrate the bro's 21st birthday, there were pizzas (which is a must have for his birthday), doughnuts, munchies, cake, etc on top of the usual dishes for break fast.
We took pictures of ourselves and MMSed them to Mum! =)

I'm not sure if it's just me or if it's really the weather tonight cos I find it really warm!
I'm feeling stuffy even in an air-conditioned room now!
Is it really warm?
Or was it due to the durians I had after dinner?
Hmmm...

I think I should perform my prayers now and then indulge in Cleo.
I have this sudden urge to try out mineral makeup.
Should I?
It seems interesting...

Acap's turning 21 tomorrow.
There's gonna be tons of food... knowing Maklong.
Yumz...

Anyway I thought I was tired tonight since my back was aching and all.
Who knew I could finish marking 5 piles of worksheet?!
I've 3 more to go... that can wait till tomorrow.
Now I'm really super duper tired. My head hurts.
It's off to school tomorrow morning to mark that 1 pile of books and hopefully finish up all the other admin stuff.
Next week is gonna be real hectic.
Cos we have to carry out that (damn) lesson. More specifically... I have to carry out that (damn) lesson. For 2 weeks.
Fuck.

Okay, I better heed my doctor's advice.
Can't spend too long working on the computer.
The earlier I get to bed, the earlier I can wake up tomorrow and hit the office to finish up all my stuff.
I can do it!

Meeting 2 of my bestest friends the past week have certainly made my day for those days!
I know I look lifeless when I met Haslina and I'm so sorry.
I can't help it. I feel so drained by the end of the day.
Really enjoyed the company though =)

Both sessions were of course filled with lots of bitching.
And it helps.
It helps me to clear my mind.

I'm not supposed to be online today cos the doctor forbade me from working on the computer to relieve myself from the migrain. I've been doing nothing but sleep ever since I came back from the clinic.
I had to check something online so why not blog at the same time?
I've not been blogging for a while... the increasing workload is to blame.
I'm going to perform my prayers and then it's back to dreamland...

By the way, Children's Day is coming up and I'm excited!
I love giving away gifts!

When I read Haz's latest post, I smiled to myself.
It amuses me that she gets frustrated and vexed over half the class not producing quality assignments.
I have so many classes handing in crap work!
Welcome to my world Haz. It's a heartwrenching situation to be in and I totally understand.
But it's worse when you are in a school where the students are made up of only 1 gender.
The unorganised, rowdy, filthy (the list goes on) gender.

I attended a fruitful discussion earlier at a host school and oh how I do miss the co-ed school environment. But more importantly, the secondary school environment.
It's different.
Oh well...

It's almost time to break the fast although I've been on leave for a few days now, I've not eaten the whole day.
I used to just eat everytime I was excused from it but this year, I'm not able to do that.
Maybe I'm finally learning to be a better Muslim.
Much to the chagrin of my mother who thinks that it was absolutely embarrassing to be eating in public when I'm not fasting, I didn't see the wrong in doing that previously.
She'll be glad to know that I have finally caught the bug of humility.

Anyway, Mum left for umrah earlier today and I pray that she reaches the destination and comes home safely. I was disappointed that I was not able to send her off at the airport.
That's the downside of this job. You have no leave.
I can't call this an urgent affair so no leave.
Sighz.
Still, I'm waiting for her sms to tell me that she's reached safely.

Okay, gotta catch my Korean drama now!

I hate awkward moments.
I've nothing to say.
Thankfully, I'm spared.
For now. I hope it remains.


Update: Hooray to Haz for falling in love with Chocolate N Spice muffins! *clap clap*

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I should be working towards that goal.
But who knows, maybe a few years down the road, I may change my mind.
Just maybe.

Work has been extremely tiring this week.
I'm anticipating next week to be worse.
All I remembered this week were the massive meetings which took up all my time!
Information overload.
And NO MARKING done.
The marking is piling up, once again.
How sad is that?

And I've not gone out at night for this whole week!
I can't believe it either!
It's not good for my emotional well-being.
I've been so tired that I've been hitting the bed at 9+ daily.
Something I've never done since I left primary school I think.
Even then, bedtime was 10, if I remember correctly.

Secondary school days, I'd return home around midnight on a school night.
It got later during my JC days.
And when I was at NUS, there were times when I came home the next morning.
Aaaah... those were the good old days where it was fun, fun, fun!
No worries and surprisingly, not tired at all!
I'm still having a tough time adjusting to this whole new idea of leaving early for work and coming home late, usually tired out.
God, I hate it!

Okay, think positive.
It's Friday tomorrow (Yay!) with no lessons to boot!
I'm thankful enough.

I wonder if the right choices have been made.
Truth be told, I'm unhappy.
It's not that I want things to be done my way all the time, but I feel that the options I have presented are more appealing.
As usual, I've been misunderstood. Hence, I prefer to clam up.
Why bother defending myself when I know the outcome?
It'll just drain me emotionally. Exactly what I'm experiencing now.
Oh well, I'm tired.
Tired of everything.

I'm sick of how my body has been aching since the beginning of work, I'm sick of all the 'same old, same old' issues.
I wish the water tap doesn't flow so easily these days.
Is this my breaking point?
Only God knows.

I've been waking up dizzy the past few days and I retreat back to sleep almost immediately upon waking up.
It could be the effects of too much sleep since I was deprived of sleep for so long!
8 hours of sleep these days is perceived as too long by the body.
Sheesh.

I'm wondering if it's just me.
Maybe I should seek some medical help to aid me to cope with depression.
Everytime I think about work, I get sick to my stomach, it feels like all the bile is rushing to my throat and my whole system jams up.
I know everyone gets blues about work, miserable in fact for a handful, but mine is screwing up my life completely!
I can't sleep in peace... I even dream about work!
How utterly brutal is that?
And to think of the number of hours I have left till work resumes doesn't aid in providing me with peace of mind (and heart).
I keep thinking of what I have to do first thing tomorrow morning.
I'm nauseas just thinking about it. Really feels like puking now.
I've never experienced denial as bad as this.

I'm usually quite an optimistic person, so to speak.
More optimistic than half the people I know.
But seriously, there's nothing to look forward to at this place.
Not the colleagues, not the environment.
And even the food sucks.

How do I find comfort then?

Last I checked, the wedding is 8 months away.
Reality check: there's 6 months to go! like really 6 months since the nikah will be held on 6th March.
That's half a year! And there're so many things to do!
Oh no...
I'm making a list of all the things I have to do.
And everytime I make a list, I freak myself out even more, looking at all the to-do tasks.
But I get pure satisfaction by cancelling out the task when it's completed.
Weird.
The curse of an organised freak.
I can't live without my organiser. I'll go stark raving mad if I were to lose it.
In fact, not carrying it around everywhere I go makes me feel naked. Lost.
Such dependency.
Tsk tsk.

I've been considering getting a new mobile number cos I've been getting so many unrecognised calls at all times of the day and it's pissing me off.
So I've been browsing around for a new phone too.
Pretty attracted to all the features in that phone cos it has everything I need.
But considering how near the wedding date is approaching, and how much I have to spend by year end, I'm wondering if I should get a new phone with a new line.
Such tough decisions to make.

I'll give myself a few days to think about it.
If I'm still lusting for it, then it's worth a buy.
Funny analogy, but it works to curb the spendthrift devil in me!
So far...

I can't stand him. He's the reason why I'm so miserable at times.
I should have just gotten a no-brainer job.
He's irritating the hell out of me! It's stifling!
Even now, when it's the holidays, there are so many tasks that he has e-mailed us to be done.
This is so crappy.
Aaaargh!
Let's just get this blardy term over and done with.
I'm feeling so fucked up.
He spoilt my night.

It doesn't help that I'm so fucking tired all the time these past few days.
And I'm getting so depressed that the holidays are almost over.
Like what fucking holidays?
Okay, I'm getting vulgar.
Can't help it. I'm too emotional... And getting vulgar is the only way that I can relieve all the anger in me.

I should have applied for a 9 to 5 desk-bound job.
Or better still. One of those fully made-up sales girls at the cosmetic counters.
Yeah, the second option sounds way better.
At least all I have to do is look pretty the whole day and make sure my make-up doesn't slide.
And spend all the time touching up.
Isn't that fun...
It beats having to put up with fucked up people.

I'm gonna read a book to push all these angered thoughts away.
Aaaaaargh!
Fucked up!

I'm trigger happy to be able to blog every single day that I'm at home.
It's a wondrous feeling to just have me-time to express my thoughts and ideas.
It's such a liberation!
Come the start of school again, this privilege will be stripped off.
No wonder I'm not in the best of moods when school resumes. It must be all the bottled up feelings and thoughts which I can't get them out of my system that have been causing my depression!

I was up early today and managed to complete some work before I went out to get some shopping done. Essential shopping.
I wouldn't have dragged my ass out of bed if I didn't have to stock up on supplies.
Speaking of moving around, cab fares these days sure are expensive! I was deprived of driving for 2 days: yesterday and today. So I have been popping in and out of cabs to get around.
Simply because I'm too lazy to take the bus and mrt.
But the cab fares sure did burn a hole in my pocket. I must have spent about a hundred bucks on cab fares just these 2 days.
Ouch.

Back to getting work done. I'm left with a work review to complete.
I'm wondering if I should e-mail my mentor a copy.
I find it silly to reflect but well, that's how everything is done these days.
Seriously, what's the point of relecting once every few months when nothing is done to address my concerns?
Crap.
There are times I wished I could express my unhappiness.
Sighz. I know that can never be a reality.
I'm stuck in this facade of living up to expectations. It can be very stifling at times.
And everything has to be phrased constructively.
Damn it!

Amidst all the unpleasant thoughts running in my head, I'm elated thinking about those yummy muffins I bought earlier! I bought them from the branch at Shunfu Road before but it's not as good as those sold at Tanjong Pagar. So I hopped into a cab from Orchard Road to Tanjong Pagar and bought 10 yummy chocoloate chip muffins! I can't wait to devour them!

But as I was walking down Orchard Road and even during the journeys in the cabs, I thought about an acquaintance who has been abused (from what I heard) and I felt so sorry for her even though I have always thought she was a weird character. I hoped my msg helped to remind her that there are people who care about her.
Then I thought about when the fiance's sister-in-law would be due.
And other random thoughts that won't be running around in my mind if I had been driving!
I would be cursing and singing instead.
Heh.

And of course I thought about when I can actually break fast with Haz.
Babe, how bout next weekend?
I've been racking my brains thinking of a place to eat but I just can't think of any.
We won't eat much for break fast so there's no point in going for a buffet spread.
And I'm not craving for anything. Yet.
So Haz, if there's any place in mind, just drop me a note yar?

Since my eyes are droopy, it's best to take a nap now...

Pampered me satisfied my hunger pangs last night.
You can call it cravings too.
My bro can't believe just how pampered I am by the fiance.
Heh.
I really wanted to get myself those otak-otak and the fiance was kind enough to fetch me after his terawih prayers and we headed to Geylang to satisfy my cravings.
We got burgers too in the middle of the night.
Thanks love =)

And I spent the day sleeping today. Didn't get any work done cos I was simply too tired!
Even right now, I'm yawning away as I'm typing this entry.
All I did was to meet the fiance for coffee 2 hours ago.
I still have to create that PowerPoint slides.
It's the only thing I have left to do. Shucks.
I can't believe there's still work to be done when the holidays are drawing to an end.
It's Friday tomorrow. Already.
Time flies by fast when all I really want is for time to stand still!

It's time to get some shopping done tomorrow before I'm denied of the luxury of time.
And maybe, try my hand at cooking a pot of cabbage soup.
Yummy.
Okay, maybe it's not really cooking on my part cos bibik will be doing all the cutting of the ingredients for me. I still can't cut things properly with a knife.
I'll just be dumping all the ingredients into the pot and making sure I follow the recipe closely.
Ooooh... what an exciting thought!
Can't wait to get started on it!

Ambitious? Maybe.
But I should give myself a little faith...
I can do it.

The car has been sent for servicing earlier today.
The expenditure this month has been heavy.
I'm getting a little worried because there will be heavy expenditure next month too.
Unless Mum is willing to pay for it, we're gonna be pretty stripped.
I've yet to broach the topic with her for fear that he may not be comfortable with the idea.

Anyway, I'm done with those remarks. They sure sizzled my brain, trying to think of positive approach in writing negative comments.
I have that PowerPoint slides to create for Maths and 2 piles of worksheet left to mark.
Ooooh, I hate thinking that it's already Wednesday and I have yet to rest and enjoy my holidays.
I'm gonna finish marking those worksheets by tonight.
Tough job, but I gotta do it. It's tough because it's heart wrenching to mark all their crap work.
Girls are definitely better than boys. In terms of... everything!
Attitude, neatness, conscientiousness... the list simply goes on.
Most boys are terrors.
I don't know how they live with themselves. Sighz.

So many things to say but I need to perform my obligation.
I've yet to perform the solat Asar.
Gotta go before it's too late!

The jab was excruciatingly painful. Then again, I have low threshold for pain.
But it sure hurts!
I could feel the vaccine s-l-o-w-l-y going into my body through the arm.
And now, my arm hurts and I'm feeling woozy. I'm not sure if the wooziness is one of the side effects.
I went to the gynae this morning and now I'm back in school. He's the same gynae who delivered all 3 of us. He doesn't look that aged by the way.

Previously, I thought that one only meets the gynae when she's pregnant. That only makes sense, right? I was surprised and slightly bewildered when Mum told me to meet her gynae.
Haha... Such naivety.

And now, I have one last pile of Science activity books to mark but my head is spinning. Can't bring myself to mark that last pile, not when it's the weak class. Oh, it will hurt my brain reading all the nonsense.
Seriously, I don't know why the answers are as such when answers have been gone through after the activities.
I'm lugging those books home. I'm not coming back to school this week! No sirree.
I need my break.
As it is, I feel that the holidays are too short since I have tons of work to do, not just school's work, but personal work to handle as well.
So much work, too little time!

Time to head on home and take a nap.
I'm definitely deprived of sleep (how ironic when it's the holidays...) since I've been sleeping past midnight and waking up early to head to school.
Shucks.

Being a workaholic is not good.
I'm not able to enjoy my holidays unlike my other friends.
I'm back in school today to do some work. I'm not done yet but I'm already drained.
I'm psychoing myself that marking 3 piles out of the 5 piles I have is a great achievement and enough work for the day.
Time sure passes fast when I have tons to do.
I'm coming back tomorrow to complete the other 2 piles, finish up my digirecord for the following week and hopefully clear my workspace a little.
Gosh, that's plenty to do! I gotta get my ass down here early.
Then there's remarks to complete, those worksheets to mark at home, seating plans to revise...
I don't plan to return for a third day that's for sure. So sacrifice one day tomorrow, one full day and get everything settled.
Oh the holidays are zooming by so fast! Monday is almost over!
Sighz.

I want a break.
I need a break.
Before the madness begins again in Term 4.
This time, it's gonna be one mad rush cos there's so little time left to complete everything!

Anyway, today's the start of Ramadhan. It's been great without screaming my head off.
But I'm not too sure of the following weeks to come.
Let's pray for a blessed Ramadhan.
And of course, I'm praying real hard that I won't go down with any illness.
I gotta learn to control my anger.
This is one damn tiring job.
Maybe, it's just the place I'm at...