I've been clearing my desk since I stepped in at 9 this morning.
I've 2 huge trash bags seated by my trash can now.
That's how much junk I've accumulated in 1 year.
What am I going to do for the rest of the day now that I've cleared my department work stuff?
Well, it's not that I've nothing to do... I still have to complete my appraisal form but I'm not in the mood to think about what to write on that form. I'm 3/4 done but have yet to refine.
Just not in the mood.

I chilled with the bro at Starbucks last night.
Staying at home was too depressing.
It felt good to take my mind off things.
We talked, we laughed... But it didn't help in making my heart feel at ease.
There's too much tension between us.
I can sense it even though the anger/frustration has appeased.
I should give him time and space, I know. Which is why dragging myself to work every morning is a good thing although God knows exactly how I feel.
How can I get work done if my whole well-being is affected? Shattering to be exact.
Feeling better today.
Good to get out of home.
But that doesn't mean I brought my heart along with me.
Physical presence but psychological absence.
I'm trying my best. God knows I put my 110% into it.
I'm letting it go, I'm building back the trust that was lost.
I put all my zest and energy into making it work.
I can only pray for the best.

Please don't hurt me... again.

I'm officially in a madhouse.
1 more day till I can have a tiny bit of respite from all things important.
As usual, I got irritated with that man.
If it's going to be another waste of time today, I'm just going to walk out.
I don't give a damn anymore.
He wasted 2 hours of our time some time back; it wasn't productive at all.
It became a nagging session. And he had the cheek to msg us yesterday telling us to be prepared to stay behind later than 5 for his nonsense. If you had done something productive a few weeks ago, then we wouldn't have to stay so late today. What an ass!
Sometimes, I can't wait to say Good Riddance!
A few people are leaving by end of this year, be it transfer or resignation. Either way, I envy them.

I fell in love with a few things over the past weekend.
Should I get another bag or should I get that diamond?
I fell in love with this pendant.
And I also like the emerald cut earrings and ring.
I wish I could get them all at the same time but that's just crazy.
There is an exchange programme, so I can probably trade-in my earrings for a new pair.
I think I'll pop by the shop again this Saturday.
The Fendi bag was nice too. Roman calf leather in baby pink. Handmade.
Decisions, decisions.
Or should I just save the money?
Sometimes I have this need to just pamper and reward myself for getting through the year.
Looking forward to purchasing an item also makes me work hard towards getting to that time frame, instead of just slogging through the days.
They could be just excuses but it works to keep me sane.
And that's important.
But so is saving.

Time to do my finances...

With each event taken place, the stress level drops substantially.
I've got one last event before I can finally scream.... FREEDOM!
At least from the organisation of the events.
First we had the Science Fair, then it was the Option Form, followed by the Carnival which just took place last Saturday. That was such a relief. And last event that is taking up all my time and energy for the last few weeks is going to take place this Friday. I've been reviewing, printing, re-reviewing and re-printing the lists.
It's really driving my crazy.
And just a few seconds ago, they came to me with another update i.e. change.
Aaaarrrrgh.... irritating!

I'm throwing away unhappy thoughts, moving on to happy ones instead.
I met Hazwani last Thursday night!
It was a good thrashing out session, albeit a short one.
We cried our eyes out and we hope to meet up again soon.
Enjoy your maternity leave dear. This is the worst part of the year!

The brother came home last night. Landed around almost 10.
We waited for him at a corner and refused to greet him at the entrance.
Should have seen his face!
He looked so crestfallen thinking no one came to fetch him.
Dinner was good.
And I woke up so damn sleepy this morning cos we got in pretty late last night.
Mum, hubby and sis were down too.

Now, I need to get all my things done and I can't wait to go off!

I love you...

1 item is down on my to-do list.
I'm halfway through my appraisal form.
I'll complete (hopefully) the 3rd item tomorrow.
These days, I'm taking things 1 day at a time.

Which reminds me, there's a meeting at 2 later.
Damn!

I'm feeling a lot better now. In fact, the best feeing in the past few weeks.
I pray that this feeling is here to stay.
God has shown me that with continous prayers and faith, wishes do get granted.

I dread today. There's that long session later, which in my opinion, is quite redundant.
At least for those people under my charge.
They're neither here nor there for most of them.

Take a deep breath, and smile.
I need to stay happy to get through today...

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!

Why am I still feeling this way?
The palpitations, the anxiety... it's causing too much stress to my body and my heart.
God... please help me relief all this pain.
Please grant me the assurance, the peace of mind and heart.

I feel like crying again.
I feel like such a wreck.
I can't control these emotions and I don't know what to do with myself.

Help.